SUFFERING FROM THE END OF THE RACING SEASON BLUES?

Got the shakes? Bored every Monday? And Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday?

Itching to see that race card, the nominations, do some “form” and argue with your friends about “speed maps”?

Horrified to see how many rides Alvin Ng and Terry CW Wong have got for the day?

Wish to do even MORE homework to figure out why they’re riding, anyway?

Spend hours and even days going through every race of last season and thinking how you COULD have or MIGHT have won?

Do you go out and talk to perfect strangers about how you COULD have and MIGHT have won?

Are you boring them shitless?

Visit the HKJC website though there’s no new Race Card?

Listen to any online radio station from anywhere just to be able to hear a race and make a “virtual bet”?

Consider purchasing a HK$5, 000 horse to race in Macau and having Brother Gary Moore train it.

Walk past the Happy Valley Racecourse, stand outside the Members Entrance and cry some quiet tears?

Fear not: This all happens at the end racing season to many avid punters and is called Racing Withdrawal.

It also shows just how fucking short Hong Kong is when it comes to “attractions” for the public.

Screw Ocean Park and pandas and other animals: Allan Zeman is the weirdest looking primate Hong Kong has ever seen and Ocean Park should create a horror ride called The Steamin’ Zeman.

Below are some ideas which our team has put together to keep you busy until the new racing season starts up again in September.

1] Study all the race cards from last season. Then, find out the results. Return to the race cards and pick your winners.

Then go back and see if your winners correspond with the real winners.

If they don’t, well you just might not be very good at horse racing and The Force might not be with you.

2] Pretend it’s a Happy Wednesday and get to Happy Valley racecourse before Race 1 with a few mates.

Bring your own beer, some unused betting slips and your laptop.

Go to the Archive section of the HKJC multi-media hub and listen- or watch- to any Wednesday night race.

Pretend you have bet on each race and Cheer your horses on and give each other Hi-Fives.

Keep doing this until 11pm and then leave the course saying, “Wow, now THAT was FUN!”

3] Invite at least ten people who know absolutely nothing about horse racing to your place. Play videos of past races which you say are happening ‘live’ and totally awe them by “winning” every race and bragging to them that you backed the horses for “millions.” Of course, we know many Hong Kong race-goers who play this game when the racing season is on in earnest- and who never lose- and force themselves into as many winning photos as possible.

4] Compose an inarticulate letter to Winfried Engelbrecht-Bresges, CEO of the HKJC, outlining a very complicated plan as to how the Club will be able to double its turnover during the next season. The centerpiece and Big Idea to this plan will be the launch- citywide-of a series of HKJCKCs- the Hong Kong Jockey Club Karaoke Clubs.

Forget The Racing Club, Adrenaline, The Beer Garden, Race Simulators, IBU’s etc.

Nah, the future and where turnover can double will be at these specially located HKJCKCs throughout Hong Kong and where happy winners can go to any of these venues- for a price- and loudly sing their winning songs- also for a price.

Of course, as we live in a democratic society, those who have lost at the races- and these could be hundreds of thousands each race day- will be able to enter any HKJCKC- at a special discount- and sing as many wailing songs as they might wish to at these venues which will be open 24-hours a day on race days.

Gather all the kids you know who have dogs. The HKJC Gift Shop sell mini-saddles- for dogs. (Our good mate Bill Nader, the Director of Racing, is said to have came up with this idea, so no laughing please)

Buy 100 of these and have doggie horse races in your neighbourhood and give doggies the names of horses.

A tip: Always make sure you have the biggest dog and name it Ambitious Dragon. Let the kids have the Tibetan Terriers, Cocker Spaniels and Poodles.

Any other ideas? Please send them to info@fasttrack.hk