More in our series of very real frequently asked questions for which even we are very often stumped for answers.
Having said this, these are no dumbass questions and quite undeserving of dumbass answers.
Q: Why do jockeys get on their horses in the paddock area, look directly ahead, show absolutely no emotion and give the impression they’ve just swallowed a turd?
A: Those are only jockeys Tye Angland and Matthew Chadwick. No, we jest. These two are a laugh a minute.
After a long day, especially, the The jockeys could be in la la land and having brain freezes.
They might be thinking of having a decent meal the next day or could be thinking, Oh oh, I should have remembered to have a dump before jumping on this horse.
Q: Why do jockeys wear black leather boots and not trainers or shoes and why not sit on cushions instead of those brown curvy things with flaps on the side?
A: Boots make them look taller. Plus they don’t own trainers and shoes and have been forced from a very young age to constantly listen to that horrible song called These Boots Are Made For Riding by Nancy Sinatra.
As for the brown curvy things with flaps, these are called saddles.
Ever seen the Cisco Kid, below, The Lone Ranger or Gene Autry ride through The Wild West sitting on a cushion?
It’s just unmanly though we have some reservations about the relationships between a masked man dressed in a skin tight one piece and a bloke named Tonto and the flamboyant attire of the Cisco Kid and his mate Pancho.
Even cowgirl Annie Oakley, who was one crazy bitch, never sat on a cushion when she rode around the tundra looking for action- though she might have carried one for extra leverage.
Q: Why do jockeys wear goggles at night time?
A: They want to look like Rock Stars.
They’ve just returned from deep sea diving and have forgotten to take them off or, so we hear, these are 3D goggles and liven things up for them when riding in a race.
Q: Do any jockey wear spectacles when riding in a race?
A: Only if riding in a race sponsored by a brand of expensive eyewear. Then, it becomes compulsory.
No, man, jockeys cannot wear shades nor a monocle.
A jockey who refuses to wear designer spectacles in a sponsored event by a leading eyewear brand are suspended for being short-sighted about the sport.
Q: Where’s the worst and most depressing place to stand at Happy Valley Racecourse?
A: Right outside the Jockeys Weighing Room near the paddock- the meeting place for depressed dribblers and furious scribblers, dudes who are really duds and all standing outside a room that hasn’t been refurbished in four decades and looks like Uncle Tom’s Cabin.
The fluorescent lighting adds to the spookiness of the place which is a little like the Bates Motel.
Rumor is that a relative of Norman Bates uses it as his office and many have heard much blood-curdling screaming coming outta there along with the sound of a running shower.
To be continued…and continued…and continued…
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