Okay, so you’re coming to the Hong Kong International Races next week. Yes, Eager For Beavers are already here suffering from jetlag and “pulling” some really fowl objects of drunken desire.
So. before Racing b*tch most likely gives in and sells this little lot in life- after all, why open our hearts, minds, heads and legs and write for free when we have full-time PAYING jobs?- below are a few suggestions as to what to do with your time in Hongkers when away from Happy Valley, Shatin and the now very tiresome Gangnam promos. Puhleeeze, switch that Psy-chotic bloke off and let’s change the tune right here and now. It’s got fucking boring.
WHAT TO DO
Take in these restaurants:
BISTRO MANCHU Elgin Street, Soho.
Not as five-star excellent as it once was since the owner fired the original chef, but Must Have dishes are the dumplings, Chili Chicken with peanuts- to be put inside sesame seed pockets and eaten like burritos – the Cumin Lamb- incredible- and Eggplant in Garlic Sauce. There’s also this Chicken with Chillis dish which is as hot as it looks.We’ve tried this a few times and have had to find new mouths for our swollen tongues. Then again, there are those moments when it’s good to have a numb, swollen tongue.
Ask for Tom to serve you. He’ll tell you what to order, he’ll tell you if you have ordered too much AND he’ll tell you which dishes are crap while venting his angst on the chef. Tom makes Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi seem polite.
Extremely popular so book before showing up without a reservation and pissing Tom off so much that he throws you out the door.
It’s happened to us- and he likes us.
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THE ZAC ATTACK’S RECOMMENDATION
GOCCIA: 73 WYNDHAM STREET
“Get the Mixed Leaf Salad with the Mushrooms and the spicy seafood to share. You can’t go wrong.” Zachary Purton, food critic
RESTORATION
Located in Wyndham Street and a few yards away from all those samey-same Clubs pumping out the same samey-same music for the same samey same crowd.
Restoration is more for the people and atmosphere though the Creole-influenced cuisine is down-home and inventive though, how many in Hong Kong have ever had real Cajun cooking?
Pulling it all together is the effusive personality of our old mate and co-Manager Mr Sharma who knows many of the visiting jockeys and other overseas visitors from his days as Manager of the Conrad Lobby Lounge and also co-owns the late night Lebanese sheesha bar called Marouche. One drunken night several years ago, we even made the poor bastard record a track for us which still haunts him.
As for Marouche, it’s open until 6am on Fridays and Saturdays and where you can sit and watch Hong Kong’s young and the restless, the drunk and the stoned, and the freaks and the fashionistas, gays, straights and whatevers stumbling home or hitting the club called Drop, below, located right opposite Marouche.
Marouche is the best place to watch the worst of Hong Kong’s underbelly including a posse of Nigerian pushers doing business right under the noses of the useless local gendarmes.Next to Marouche and down a dinghy lane is a late night jazz lounge called Gecko. Okay without exactly being great and sprinkled with a few soft cock Try Hards.
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1 HARBOUR ROAD
GRAND HYATT WANCHAI
Still the best place for great Chinese cuisine at 1 Harbour Road and if craving a steak, The Steakhouse.
Hell, even the menu at the Coffee Shop is pretty good.
For those who remember the great days of The Champagne Bar, keep remembering them. Those days are gone and The Champagne Bar is the ghost of Christmases past.
These days, The Champagne Bat is a very lonely place with dire resident singers singing to lost American tourists looking to get laid. Even the hookers have moved to greener pastures.
The new Champagne Bar is The Blue Bar at the Four Seasons.
There’s an interesting “older”and more affluent crowd on Fridays and Saturdays with too many claiming to be in “banking” and in “mining” for us to take seriously. A meeting place for trainers and onwers and a leading Hong Kong jockey whose foray into investing in a mine still haunts him- it yielded crap- but not as much toil and trouble as having shippied tonnes of wine of Oz and, unbeknownst to him, his “partner in wine” having packed the greatest seizure of ICE into the crates. This smooth talking cretin was also selling tips and was jailed for 15 years for the Icecapade. Incredible that his “clairvoyant” girlfriend named Claire, by the way. couldn’t see the bollocks of trouble coming up.
On the subject of shagging, best line to come our way from a lady from the States less than a minute after sitting next to us at the Blue Bar: “Hi, I haven’t had sex in seven years.” It was our Shades Of Grey Moment.
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WHAT NOT TO DO
1) Hang around the 24-hour Sports Bar called Players, formerly the legendary and far better frequented The Bridge in Lockhart Road for 24 hours hoping to meet someone “better”. This does not happen except in your addled state of mind.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
2) The more you drink and with Gangnam banging away, Class 5 mares start to look like Group 1 fillies as you miraculously become The Most Generous Man In The World and buy champagne and shooters for everyone until comatose and eventually finding yourself back in your hotel with some credit card bills for company and offering some clues as to how your evening fared.
Yes, it’s The Hangover Part 4 and try to sell the movie Rights.
3) Don’t end up going to The Flying Pan in Wanchai for breakfast.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
First of all, you will look like a loser and probably are and then get harassed by hookers who have also not scored and with the time being around 7am, they are desperate for some action and see you as being desperate as them.
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4) Unless with someone who knows Sunny, the owner, or with some fat cat Indian horse owners who love the joint and its sister club- Club Lekage, stay away from the new Goodfellas in LKF. The USP of Lekage, a sprawling tribute to gawdiness is a cage where you and your loved one for the night can dance together.
The girls at Goodfellas are pleasant enough and slide around a pole with all the enthusiasm of Buster Keaton cracking a smile.
They are paid to make small talk and drink tea in martini glasses and are here from places like Brisbane and Moldova.
You get excited while they smile as you, myou ake your moves, you pay for a lap dance and keep ordering drinks and the girls overdose on “Marteanis”.
As time ticks away and you cozy up, they move away. It’s closing time and their gig is done, their boyfriends are waiting for them and you get stuck with a humongous tab for some small talk. And watching Buster Keaton squirming around a pole. It’s the same con as the models at dragon-i who sidle up to you and nudge, nudge, wink, wink, order the most champagne, flirt,drink and be merry and then do a runner at 3am leaving you with a hefty bill for company.
So it’s off to either Dusk Till Dawn- way too much competition- or Escape in Jaffe Road, Wanchai, and overly friendly Filipinas and a few very attractive Colombians who are as sneaky as the country’s football players. Asking price is HK$4,000, which, in English is HK$2,500.
4) Warning: Unless our mate Mitch Beadman, below, and please leave him fucking alone ‘cos we’ve got to know him and he’s a great guy we are very protective of, don’t sit next to any attractive Nigerians at Escape or Amazonia or gawd knows where else as she might be a he and with roving hands trying to fondle the big balls in your wallet.
“I have HUUUUGE balls.”
Also, always carry your drink with you and always make sure you make your own drink back in your hotel.
There have been a few mysterious deaths of tourists who have returned to their five-star hotel in Wanchai with some paid-for lurve for sale and a Boney M.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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